Confidence doesn’t always come naturally to everyone. One day, we might be slaying the and another, we’re questioning our very existence. While we’re more accustomed to hearing about self-confidence than sexual confidence, they aren’t the same but are somewhat related because they both involve inner work.
The strange thing about humans is that we often work on how we feel on the outside with makeup and clothes, but rarely pay much attention to improving how we feel on the inside. It’s about time we made some changes, yes?
Also, did you know there’s nothing sexier and more powerful than a sexually confident person who owns their dominant side but isn't shy to express how they truly feel in the bedroom? Because there isn’t.
What is Sexual Confidence anyway?
According to Hims, sexual confidence is about feeling comfortable with yourself, your body, and the type of sexual encounter or intimate experience you enjoy. In essence, it’s “the confidence you carry into sexual situations”.
One’s sexual confidence is a fluid thing. Depending on the sex scene, the person involved, the feelings it evokes, one’s sexual confidence can be impacted by these variables. The fundamental understanding is that sexual confidence comes from within and is not dependent on what your partner wants or what they can offer you. Elevating your sexual confidence is a solo self-discovery process that only you can work on and get better at over time.
Now, it’s not as intimidating as it sounds because it’s not about how often you have sex or how “good” you are, by the standards of others. Sexual confidence is also about being your authentic self and getting to know what you’re into and what you’re not while not being bound by any cultural or stereotypical beliefs. Though it is a journey, it’s one worth embarking on to fully embrace your raw, sexual self.
Signs of Sexual Confidence
Tony Robbins said: “Success leaves clues” — the same goes for sexual success. What you might be thinking is what does sexual confidence look like? And what are the signs that showcase a healthy version of it? Here are some of the signs:
Understanding Sexual Desires and Needs
A sexually confident person knows all things sex about themselves — their sexual orientation, positions, foreplay, fantasies, pleasurable acts, whether it’s solo play or with a partner. They’d also be able to describe what they’d be open to trying and know where to draw the line (if there is one).
Getting Excited to Talk About Sex
In Malaysia, we know it’s a hush-hush topic that’s rarely discussed openly. However, sex is normal and part of life. It’s such a wide and all-encompassing topic that has many sub-topics. Instead of feeling ashamed, a sexually confident person embraces topics about sex, helping others open up and contribute to the conversation. They might even get each other’s opinion to understand or compare and contrast, either way, it’s their open mind that keeps it interesting.
Mindful of Their Limits
Adding onto the first point, if a sexually confident person feels violated in the bedroom, they won’t hesitate to express and communicate their concerns, this is especially true when a partner is involved. They draw clear boundaries and stick to them because they understand themselves well and know what they will accept and what is considered inappropriate or unacceptable circumstances or behaviour.
Knowing They Deserve Pleasure
The truth is — everyone does! Someone with sexual confidence knows that sex is a gift, meant to be enjoyed and they deserve to indulge in that pleasure. So, whether they’re on the giving or receiving end, they don’t let culture or the opinions of others get in the way. They understand it’s about making their body and very being feel good and they make no apologies for it.
Listening to Their Partner on All Things Sex
Piggybacking on the third point, having sexual confidence also means being clear about your communications on roles and expectations in the bedroom. You tell them what turns you on and you are mindful of what turns them on. A sexually confident couple understands that it’s about creating a mutually sensational experience for each other and themselves, which is the foundation of success in sex. As we said, success leaves clues.
Reasons Why People Aren’t as Sexually Confident
Everyone goes through different experiences in life, which shape their perception and overall feelings about sex. So, understanding that there’s no “correct” level of sexual confidence to attain or reach is essential. It’s something we’ve briefly covered in our previous post about fingering oneself. But based on our research and experience, here are some of the common reasons why some people struggle with sexual confidence.
Unpleasant Past Experiences
Sex gone wrong — it happens. We’ve all been on flings that turned out bad, leaving a sour taste in our mouths and a void in our lives. Although it’s not visually obvious, it does affect the way we have sex or make love in the future. Unpleasant experiences could range from a belittling partner, faking an orgasm, bleeding in bed, feeling rejected amid sex, and more. Sometimes, girls get yelled at after sex (which is more common than people think). So, girls, have safe sex but it’s also important to feel safe emotionally around your partner.
Medical Conditions
There are limitations to exploring one’s sexual potential when it stems from poor health. Some conditions make people feel self-conscious about their condition, and it’s about their sexual performance. Typically, for males, it might be Premature Ejaculation (cumming too soon) or Erectile Dysfunction (difficulty in getting an erection). For females, they could be diagnosed with Anorgasmia (difficulty in having an orgasm) and Dyspareunia (experiencing pain while having sex).
Body-Image Insecurities
Let’s face it, as a society, we will need to work on body positivity and loving our bodies just the way they are because they are magnificent. Most people think only females get insecure about their looks, but males aren’t too far behind as well.
Males tend to get insecure about the length and girth of their penis. Some guys care about the visual aspect of it a bit too much. However, a 10/10 penis only gets a real 10/10 if he rocks at performance too. So, never judge a book by its cover, girls.
Females tend to feel self-conscious about their physical appearance. Whether it’s their face, butt, thighs, butt, boobs, the list goes on and on. Females are known to be harsh on themselves when it comes to looks and might fear rejection from their partner.
These insecurities are real, we all feel them, but it’s about working through them with your partner and making sure they feel safe and understood. It can be through reassuring words or just a calm smile, these simple gestures could make a difference in the entire sex experience.
Common Fears
While sex is fun, it does come with different types of fears. And if you think about it, there are several aspects to take into consideration before having sex with just anyone. Here are some of the common fears people experience:
Fear of getting STDs or pregnant. Despite all the technology we have today, there is no 100% guarantee that a female won’t get pregnant if penetration is on the table. In addition to that, one might not disclose their sexual history when being caught up in the moment, so, one might be in bed after doing the deed, wondering if they have contracted something from their partner.
Fear of emotional abandonment and neglect. Sex gets our emotions tied up in the process, so if we have passed, undealt with trauma, we’re at risk of developing unhealthy attachment styles. This might mean the jump scare of relying on and trusting others, which in its own way, is a scary thing to do.
Fear of abuse of any shape, way, or form. This one ties back to unpleasant past experiences. If we’ve been in an abusive relationship before, it’s completely normal to proceed with doubts or caution in our minds. There’s a saying that goes “When people show you who they are, believe them”. Let them “prove” if they’re ready for a casual or serious relationship and work towards overcoming your fear.
How to Boost Your Sexual Confidence
By now, you’re probably waiting for this part of the post (or you skipped the front altogether). This section is all about useful tips and ideas to help you feel ready to embrace your sexual confidence.
Be Compassionate with Yourself
The goal here is to normalise sex talk because as long as sex feels like an awkward or shameful topic, you’ll never feel at peace about it. Allow yourself to explore your emotions and not judge any feelings that arise. Learn to forgive the people who’ve made you feel bad for discussing sex openly.
Let the healing take place and remind yourself that sex is about celebrating yourself. Show yourself some love by reciting affirmations, lighting scented candles, drawing a warm bath, etc. If you’d like to kick things up a notch, we recommend masturbation or getting creative with sex toys to grow your sexual confidence.
Voice Out Body-Shaming Thoughts
For most of us, this will be an ongoing process for the rest of our lives. Mostly because we’re so critical of bodies. “My underarms are so flabby” or “My thighs are so huge” are just some of the comment statements females utter or have their minds fixated on. The best way is to turn those statements into something more positive. For instance, “My underarms allow me to wrap my partner snugly during foreplay” or “My thighs are strong and they help me get more creative in the bedroom.”. See how it’s done?
The goal is to accept yourself and get comfortable with your body as being yours. That doesn’t mean, you don’t try to live a healthy lifestyle, but it’s managing your expectations that if you don’t look like models on the cover of a magazine, you’ll be okay.
Pleasure Over Performance
It’s common for everyone to have different sexpectations. However, to work towards becoming a sexually confident person, it’s advisable to focus on pleasure instead of performance. Mainly because performance adds a layer of pressure to achieve climax in a certain way or by a certain timeframe. Instead, keep your energy aligned with feeling good and enjoying your body and all it does during sex. You might want to consider asking yourself these self-discovery questions:
- What are some roleplay scenarios I like?
- Do I like it slow and sensual or fast and rough?
- Am I mostly a giver or a receiver?
- Would this vibrator please my nipples as much as my clit?
Connect with Sex-Positive People or Groups
There’s nothing quite like finding people that “get” you. Having a supportive circle encourages you to be more open and ask questions that have been on your mind. People who are open and accepting are the perfect kind to keep in this circle.
Sometimes, it’s all about taking that first step to open up about your experiences or knowledge and before you know it, someone might just follow suit and who knows how well both of you would connect and the group just might get a little bigger.
Main Takeaways About Sexual Confidence
It’s a journey that takes a great deal of openness and exploration. Whether it’s getting more comfortable with a partner or just by yourself, working on your inner self and feeling empowered in your own skin is what it’s all about. Embrace your sexuality with the help of vibrators or sex toys to spice things up. We’re sure your sexual confidence will grow in time and you’ll be the sexually confident person you want to be.
